Happy Turkey Day everyone! If you are like most people, today is the day you drop everything and stuff your face with turkey. Preferably happy turkey, because morose turkey just doesn't taste very good from what I understand.
As you are enjoying your day with your family (unless you work at Walmart), we here at ThinkMuzik would like you to remember one thing. WE SALUTE YOU. We thank you for reading our commentary and checking out our music every day and following us, even though you might not like every type of music we cover. Give yourselves a huge pat on the back.
Turkey Day brings about another unfortunate tradition. You know the one. I'm not going to waste this space telling you why I'm beginning to dislike the Christmas season because, increasingly, it is all about 'stuff''. Literally moments after giving thanks for everything you already have, you run to the nearest store, camp out and brave the insanity to "spend money you don't have on gifts people don't need." [Quote thanks to an anonymous poster over at No Clean Singing].
If you are one of the crazies that like to freeze your almonds off in order to get the best deals on 'stuff', here is a guide on how best to get in and out of the store while maintaining a healthy level of insanity.
1. Leave the house early. We're thinking 6:00 a.m. on Wednesday. Drive to your big box store of choice carefully. You don't want a ticket (something to NOT be thankful for) while in transport. How embarrassing.
2. Park your car between the bollards in front of the doors. Exhale. Inhale. Drink some caffeinated beverage.
3. Bring your ipod so you can rock out, preferably to metal. Metal may be an excessively aggressive musical style, but if you are like me, it soothes and calms while giving you something to headbang to. Something like this:
4. The second the store opens run, don't walk to the wrapping paper section. You can't possibly brave the crowds without a good weapon at your side.
5. Steal a cart from somebody bolting for the TV aisle. Avoid stores that use plastic mesh carts as opposed to wire mesh carts. Wire mesh carts are more stable should an 'accident' happen and are more useful should you need to run somebody down.
6. Stop by the perfume aisle. Spray yourself heavily with most of them. It might make other shoppers avoid you, which gives you the advantage.
7. Don't be afraid to get creative. If somebody is about to stick the last huge plastic monstrosity of a toy for their son, don't barter with them. Simply tell them that you have an agent parked outside their house, whom you will instruct to take their son if they don't let you have the monstrosity. Or use some other story. Avoid pity stories. This is a highly adrenaline-fueled game, so the pity won't work.
8. When you have everyone on your list taken care of and you are making your way to the registers, people diving out of your way by now (and others simply lying by the wayside because they did not get out of your way) go to the express check out lanes. No matter how much stuff you have. The 12 items or less is more of a guideline than a stone-cast rule anyway.
9. Get back in your car. Squeal tires on pavement to scare away the bury tattoo dudes you pissed off.
10. Lock yourself in your house and vow to never again to be stupid enough to go shopping on Black Friday (or Brown Thursday, as some Target employees are starting to call it).
Repeat next year.